An ex-projectionist and armchair
film critic reminisces...
My first cinematic experience
was in 1968 when, at the formative age of 6, I was taken to see the original
Planet of the Apes. In the darkness of the theater,
I was awestruck at how I was transported to an imaginary world, then magically
returned to reality after two hours.
I craved the cinematic experience
for the next decade, but as a child, was only seldom afforded the opportunity
to go. At an early multiplex, I once sneaked up the stairs and peered
into a dimly lit projection booth, to marvel at the film chugging through
the projectors at 24 frames per second.
On
my 16th birthday, with driver's license in hand and eligible for after-school
work, I applied for a $2.16/hour part-time job as usher at (now defunct)
Turnpike Cinema in Fairfax, Virginia. When the elderly couple who managed
the place offered to train me to run projectors, I eagerly accepted. Turnpike
Cinema's booth was so old, it still had the firescreens attached to strings,
to be released if the film caught fire. (Very early films were highly
flammable.) The booth had two projectors, which alternated 20-minute reels
six times or so throughout any given showing. Inside a projector, high-voltage
electricity sparked a carbon arc lamp, which reflected off a parabolic
mirror to shine light through the film, projecting the movie over the
heads of the audience and out onto the screen.
A mechanical bell would chime
toward the end of a given reel, signaling "get ready for changeover."
If the alternate projector wasn't threaded up in advance, the audience
saw the dreaded 5-4-3-2-1, then white screen. But 20 minutes is plenty
of time to thread the next reel, so it was then a matter of watching for
two changeover marks to roll by in the upper right corner of the screen.
(Watch for these, when you see your next movie.) First mark, roll the
film and open the shudder. Second mark, flip the changeover switch. With
practice, these changeovers were so seamless, the audience never noticed.
By
the way, I dedicate this webpage to the drive-in
movie theater, an institution sacred to yesterday's teenagers, but
sadly unknown to today's. I'd frequent the (now defunct, replaced by a
Costco and a Home Depot) Super-29 Drive-In less than a mile from my home,
frequently sneaking my compliant date through the gate in the trunk of
my MGB convertible! (Don't worry, I let her out once inside, as promised.)
After graduating high school,
I went off to college in Boulder, Colorado, where projectionists were
unionized. I scored a better paying job as relief projectionist for various
theaters, including the giant Flatirons Theater on University Hill, a
(now defunct) Art Cinema on Boulder Mall, the (also now defunct) Holiday
Drive-In on the outskirts of town, campus screenings, and others. These
more modern projection booths featured "platters," where all
reels of a given movie were spliced together into one continuous strip
of film, requiring only one projector per theater. Xenon bulbs replaced
the old carbon arc lamps. With more modern equipment, my job generally
became easier. At least, no more changeovers!
One
exception to this was the drive-in, which could suffer sudden mechanical
failures. Drive-in speakers are wired like Christmas tree lights, where
an outage in one speaker will affect all speakers from that point forward.
The projectionist only knows of a problem when, you guessed it, everybody
starts honking their horns. I'd hustle out to the horn-honking area with
screwdriver in hand, locate the offending speaker, and perform on-the-spot
open heart surgery. Cheers indicated success.
The experience not only paid
my way through college, it exposed me to many hundreds of films I wouldn't
otherwise have seen. After showing Reds or Raiders
of the Lost Ark all summer long, I knew the script by heart,
but still discovered nuances every time I saw the film. Others would be
part of a rapidly changing Art Cinema calendar where, like with Quadrophenia
or Gallipoli, I'd be forever moved after seeing them
only once.
Having handled so much film with
my fingers, I relate to it on a visceral level, as a mechanic would a
car, or as a doctor would a body. Movies have profoundly influenced me,
including the foreign travels I embarked upon, my musical preferences,
my spiritual and political beliefs, my understanding of individual and
societal weakness, my choice of career and spouse... basically, every
decision I've ever made in life, adding up to who I am today. Cinema is
an art medium like no other.
Having such a lifetime bond to
the cinema, it may surprise you to hear that I have vowed never to set
foot inside a movie theater again! I just got fed up with the mobile phones
going off in the audience, exorbitant ticket prices, shoddy projection
work (out-of-frame or out-of-focus), audience members talking during the
movie, perfumed audience members, the disgusting smell of buttered popcorn
(which I never did like), lax management and staff, serious scratches
running the entire length of a reel, etc. The quality of a cinema experience,
always patchy, has dropped like a rock in recent years. So what was my
solution? I got a 34-inch 16:9 flatscreen television with a DVD player
and a Netflix subscription. Now, I knock over several movies each week
in the comfort of my own living room. At least, I can hit the pause button
and go take a leak without missing any part of a film!
So without further ado, I present
my diverse collection of favorites. They are in alphabetical order, since
I couldn't possibly rank-order them. It's biased toward small-time foreign
art films, tragic endings, corporate responsibility, triumph-over-adversity,
and post black-and-white era films. The list is obviously work-in-progress.
Love or hate
Mel Gibson, this film is spectacular in its costumes, make-up,
cinematography, and set design. Also, very ambitious, being acted
entirely in an ancient Yucatan Mayan language. Rife with
historical inaccuracies. For starters, Mayan civilization fell centuries
before the arrival of Conquistadors. It's unlikely they'd locate an open
mass grave so close to crops. And tribes within walking distance
of a city would surely have known about it. But hey, artistic
license granted!
Director Ron Fricke comments,
"I really believe that we are connected to everything, that in
a sense, I've been invited here to this planet just like you and everyone
else has, and life didn't ask anybody to approve of a guest list."
A
daughter's journey to know her father, 30 years after his death in Vietnam.
The film's title comes from the phrase Lt. Droz used to close his letters
home.
Military
courtroom drama involving three Australian soldiers of the Bushveldt
Carbineers, set near the end of the Boer War (1899-1902). Based on a
true story.
"Shoot straight,
ya baastads... Don't make a mess of it!"
Unconventional
educator challenges system. To think how far this actor has progressed...
from Mork & Mindy "Nanu, Nanu" sitcom rubbish of the
late 70s, to fine flicks like this. Who would have guessed?
At 43,
Jean-Dominique Bauby, charismatic editor of French magazine Elle,
suffered a massive stroke rendering his brain stem inactive. After 20
days in coma, he awoke to find himself mentally alert and with
imagination and memory intact, but a prisoner inside his own body.
He used his only means of communicating with the outside world, blinking
alphabetic code with his left eye, to write a book about his experience.
From the director of Eraserhead, a story of tremendous cruelty, compassion,
and courage towards
Joseph Merrick, a
19th Century London man suffering severe congenital disfigurement.
Disenchanted and idealistic middle-class college grad Christopher
McCandless (a.k.a. Alexander Supertramp) dies in
pursuit of a more wholesome lifestyle.
The
author of Last Exit to Brooklyn and the director of Pi
create bizarre, surreal, dark, and overlapping tales of addiction and its
consequences. Parents, see the unedited version with your teenagers.
Period
piece / psychological drama. Steamy lesbian love affair bubbles up into
all-out slaughter. Based on true story in France, 1933 called, "The
Papin Case."
Casting. Script. Lighting. Cinematography.
Screenplay. Soundtrack. Editing. This film is a simply awesome combination
of talent. Another Australian director triumphs!
It unweaves three mysteries:
What happened on the boat (as played out in the courtroom)? What is the
relationship? What happened to this community during the war?
Gripping testament to human endurance. This fellow, seriously
lucky to have survived a mountain-climbing accident in the Peruvian Andes, puffs a cigarette as he retells his tale!
Director Jacques
Perrin comments,"For eighty million
years, birds have ruled the skies, seas and earth. Each spring, they fly
vast distances. Each fall, they fly the same route back. This film is
the result of four years following their amazing odysseys, in the
northern hemisphere and then the south, species by species, flying over
seas and continents."
"Gone with the Wind" stole all the Oscars that year. (Another good
reason not to watch the Oscars!)
Only
available on "full screen" (4:3), not widescreen format.
Interesting Connections from Above:
Adrian Lyne directed both 9½ Weeks(1986) and Fatal Attraction(1987).
Al Pacino acted in
The Godfather(1972),
The Godfather, Part II(1974), Scarface(1983), Glengarry Glen Ross(1992),
and The Insider(1999).
Brad Pitt acted in both Thelma and Louise(1991) and True Romance(1993).
Charlie Sheen (who acted in Wall Street) made several Super-8
films with then schoolmate Rob Lowe (who acted in
Bad Influence).
Christopher Walken acted in both
True Romance(1993) and
Pulp Fiction(1994).
Daniel Auteuil a acted in Jean de Florette(1986), Manon of the Spring(1986),
and The Widow of Saint Pierre(2000).
Denholm Eliot acted in both Raiders of the Lost Ark(1981) and The Razor's Edge(1984)
Ethan Hawke acted in both Dead Poets Society(1989) and
Snow Falling on Cedars(1999).
George Lucas directed Star Wars(1977) and co-produced Raiders of the Lost Ark(1981).
George Miller directed The Road Warrior(1981), produced Babe(1995), and
did the screenplay for both.
(Imagine that!)
GuGus van Sant, Jr. directed both To Die
For(1995) and Good Will Hunting(1997).
Harrison Ford acted in both Star Wars(1977) andRaiders of the Lost Ark(1981).
Harvey Keitel acted in Thelma and Louise(1991),
The Piano(1993), and Pulp Fiction(1994).
Helen Mirren (who acted in Pascali's
Island) married Taylor Hackford (who directed
An Officer and a Gentleman).
Hugo Weaving acted in Proof(1991) and did the voice of Rex the
Male Sheepdog in Babe(1995).
Jack Nicholson acted in One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest(1975), The Shining(1980),
and Reds(1981).
Jacque Perrin
acted as the adult Salvatore in Cinema Paradiso(1988) and directed Winged Migration(2001).
James Cromwell acted in
both Babe(1995) and Snow
Falling on Cedars(1999).
James Dearden wrote
Fatal Attraction(1987)
and directed Pascali's Island(1988).
Jennifer Connelly acted in both Requiem for a Dream(2000) and Blood Diamond(2006).
Jocelyn Moorhouse (who directed Proof) is married to
P.J.
Hogan (who directed Muriel's Wedding), having met at film school
in Australia.
John Hurt acted in both Midnight Express
(1978) and The Elephant Man(1980).
John Barry composed soundtracks for
Body Heat(1981),Frances(1982), and
Dances with Wolves(1990).
John Giedgud acted in both
The Elephant Man(1980) and
Prospero's Books(1991).
John Williams composed
soundtracks for Star Wars(1977),
Raiders of the Lost Ark(1981), and
JFK(1991).
Jonathan Demme directed both
Something Wild(1986) and
Swimming to Cambodia(1987).
Julianne Moore (who acted in Safe) and
Michael Moore (who
acted in and directed Roger and Me, and appeared in The
Corporation) are not related.
Max von Sydow acted in both
Snow Falling on Cedars(1999) and The Diving Bell
and the Butterfly(2007).
Mel Gibson acted in Gallipoli(1981) and directed Apocalypto(2006).
Michael Douglas acted in
Fatal Attraction(1987),Wall Street(1987),and The Game(1997).
Michael Moore directed Roger and Me(1989) and appeared in
The Corporation(2003).
Michael Nyman composed soundtracks for both
Prospero's Books(1991)
and The Piano(1993).
Miloš Forman directed both One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
(1975)
and Amadeus(1984).
Nicole Kidman acted in both To Die
For(1995)
and
Moulin Rouge(2006).
Quentin Tarantino did the screenplay for
True Romance(1993), and
directed Pulp Fiction(1994).
Oliver Stone did the screenplay for both Midnight Express (1978)
and Scarface(1983), and
directed both Wall Street(1987) and
JFK(1991).
Peter Wier directed The Last Wave(1977), Gallipoli(1981), and Dead Poets Society(1989).
Philip Glass composed soundtracks
for for both Powaqqatsi(1988) and Kundun(1997).
Quentin Tarantino
wrote the screenplay for True Romance
(1993), and co-wrote and directed Pulp Fiction(1994).
Rebecca de Mornay acted in both Risky Business(1983) and The Trip to
Bountiful(1985).
Ridley Scott directed both Alien(1979) and Thelma and Louise(1991).
Robert Duvall acted in The Godfather (1972), The Godfather,
Part II(1974),
and
Sling Blade(1996).
Robert Duvall and
Dustin Hoffman are close friends since their
struggling actor days, and once roomed together while looking for
work.
Robert Duvall is not related to
Shelley Duvall, although her
father is named Robert.
Robert Richardson was
cinematographer for Wall Street
(1987), JFK(1991), and
Snow Falling on Cedars(1999).
Robin Williams acted in both Dead Poets Society(1989) and Good Will Hunting(1997).
Russell Crowe acted in both Proof (1991)and The Insider(1999).
Samuel L. Jackson acted in both
Pulp Fiction(1994) and
The Red Violin(1997).
Sean Penn acted in The Game(1997) and directed
Into the Wild(2007).
Sean Penn co-owns a Parisian restaurant-bar with
John Malkovich
(who acted in The Object of Beauty)
called "Man Ray.
"
Stephen King wrote books from which The Shining(1980) and
The Shawshank Redemption(1994)were adapted.
Tom Cruise acted in both Risky Business(1983)and Rain Man(1988).
Tom Hanks acted in both Forrest Gump(1994)and Charlie Wilson's War (2007), and
provided voice
for Woody in Toy Story(1995) and Toy
Story, Part 2(1999).
Tony Scott (director of True Romance) is brother of Ridley
Scott (director of Alien and Thelma and Louise).
William Baldwin (who acted in Glengarry Glen Ross) married and
divorced Kim Basinger (who acted in
9½ Weeks).
William Hurt acted in both Body Heat(1981) andInto the Wild(2007).
William Hurt and
John Hurt are not
related.
William Pohlad co-directed The Object of Beauty(1991) and co-produced Into the Wild(2007).
Powaqqatsi (1988) and
Baraka(1993) are both non-verbal films (i.e.,
contain no dialog).
Swimming to Cambodia(1987) deals with actor
Spaulding Gray's
experience on the set of The Killing Fields(1984).
Actors Alec Guiness,
John Gielgud, Anthony Hopkins,
Ben
Kingsley, John Hurt,
Julie Walters, and
Denholm Elliot have all been knighted.
Directors
Alan Parker, Ridley Scott, and
William Pohlad have all been knighted.
And the award goes
to...
Best Film-Making
Country
Australia
Babe, Bad Boy Bubby, , Breaker Morant,Cane Toads,
Gallipoli, The Last Wave, Muriel's Wedding,
The Piano, Proof, The Road
Warrior (plus directors like Peter Weir,Jane Campion, and Scott Hicks;
cinematographers like Dean Semler; actors like
Nicole Kidman, Russell
Crowe, and Toni Collette, etc.
Best Directors
Peter Weir
The Last Wave (1977), Gallipoli (1981), Witness (1985), The Mosquito Coast (1986),
Dead Poets Society (1989), Greencard (1990)
Scott Hicks
Shine (1996), Snow Falling on Cedars
(1999)
Worst Directors
Robert Altman
The Player (1992),
Prêt-à-Porter (1994)
Whit Stillman
Barcelona (1994), The Last Days of Disco
(1998)
Best Actors
Dustin Hoffman
The Graduate (1967),
Midnight Cowboy (1969),
Straw Dogs (1971), Papillon (1973),
All the President's Men (1974),
Marathon Man (1976),
Kramer vs. Kramer (1979),
Tootsie (1982),
Death of a Salesman (1985),
Rain Man (1988)
Jack Nicholson
Easy Rider (1967),
Chinatown (1974),
One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975),
The Shining (1980),
A Few Good Men (1992)
Lon Chaney, Sr.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923), The
Phantom of the Opera (1925), Mr. Wu (1927) ... Died of lung cancer at age 47.
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Magnolia (1999),
Capote (2000),
Before the Devil Knows you're Dead (2007),
Charlie Wilson's War (2007)
Max von Sydow
The Seventh Seal (1957), The Exorcist
(1973), Snow Falling on Cedars (1999)
Worst
Actors
Haley Joel Osment, Keanu Reeves, Macaulay Culkin, Patrick Swayze,
Paul Hogan, Tom Selleck
Best
Actresses
Meryl
Streep
Kramer vs. Kramer (1979), Sophie's Choice (1982),
Silkwood (1983), Out of Africa (1985), A Cry in
the Dark (1988)
Nicole Kidman
Dead Calm (1989),
To Die For (1995),
Moulin Rouge (2001),
Birthday Girl (2001)
Worst Actresses
Angela Lansbury,
Gwyneth Paltrow,
Jennifer Lopez,
Rosie Perez,
Shirley MacLaine
Actresses I
wished I'd seen more of but never did
Leslie Ash Quadrophenia
(1979)
Awarded
a record £5m compensation for catching
superbug MRSA in hospital, while being treated for a punctured lung and two
cracked ribs she claimed to have sustained during a sex session with
ex-footballer husband. (She was fully clothed when paramedics arrived, and hubby
was arrested, though no charges were pressed.) She was briefly paralyzed from the waist down and still
walks with a stick. Thoroughly unnecessary collagen lip implant surgery was
botched. leaving her
with what British tabloids dubbed "trout pout,"
"If I'd lost a leg in a car crash, people
wouldn't have felt able to take the mickey out of me so mercilessly."
Born to a conductor father and pianist mother, Singer became an accomplished cellist.
She graduated Julliard School of Acting, and won various awards for cello and the limited acting work since her mid-80s screen debut.
Married (1981). Had one son (1991). Divorced (1998).
Mia Sara Ferris Bueller's Day Off
(1986)
Co-starred with Jean-Claude Van Dam
in Timecop (1994).
Married Jason Connery (Sean Connery's son) in 1996. Had a son (1997). Divorced (2002). Acted in a few made-for-TV movies.
Basement dwellers have posted online various sex scenes she's done. (I assume
those were made for European TV movies, not U.S.) Recent acting is on various
TV series. Long brown locks are long gone. I didn't recognize her.
Acted on stage and in some lesser films
throughout the 80s.
Married Oscar-winning actor Kevin Kline (1989).
Had a son (1991) and a daughter (1994),
then went into semi-retirement from films to raise kids.
Opened a Madison Ave. boutique in 2005.
"In this business, if a girl wants a career, she has to be willing to strip.
If you've got a good bod, then why not show it?" (I assume she's talking about
the acting business, not fashion merchandising!)
Highly talented
actors I personally can't stand
Sean Penn
Who foresaw Jeff Spicoli maturing to be a
powerhouse director chairing the Cannes Festival jury?
Russell Crowe
I watched Crowe during the 90s in
Australian movie theaters... Proof(1991),
Spotswood(1992), Romper Stomper(1992), Hammers over the Anvil(1993), The Sum of Us(1994),
Heaven's Burning(1997)...
Once
again, who would have guessed?
Talented but somewhat unidimensional
actors
David Duchovny, John Cusack,
John
Malkovich, Kevin
Spacey, Richard Gere
Best Cinematography
Apocalypto
2006
by Dean Semler
Cinematic maestro from South Australia.
Baraka
1993
by Ron Fricke
And in 70mm, too. Gorgeous.
Dances with Wolves
1990
by Dean Semler
Obviously, the best cinematographer to ever walk the
earth.
The Mission
1986
by Chris Menges
I need to visit Iguasu Falls!
The Road Warrior
1981
by Dean Semler
Whether it's sweeping vistas or high-speed pursuits in
jalopies, Dean is the man!
Snow
Falling on Cedars
1999
by Robert Richardson
What a stunningly gorgeous piece of film-making this is!
Best Editing
El Mariachi
1992
by Robert Rodriguez
Somebody did a count of the number of individual cuts
which make up this film. Lots!
JFK
1991
by Hank Corwin,
Joe Hutshing,
Pietro Scalia
No wonder it took 3 editors to piece this legendary
film together!
Prospero's Books
1991
by Marina Rodbyl
Screens embedded one within another, fancy
cursive script rolling across the screen. Stunning.
Snow Falling on Cedars
1999
by Hank Corwin
Weaves 3 stories perfectly.
Best Lighting
9½ Weeks
1986
.
Could have been cheesy and sleazy given the subject
matter. Lighting made it downright artistic.
Snow Falling on Cedars
1999
.
Atmospheric. Whether indoors or outdoors, the lighting
is rich and ideal to the scene.
Best Soundtracks
The Piano
1993
by Michael Nyman
A modern musical masterpiece which ranks alongside
anything a classical composer ever wrote.
Quadrophenia
1979
by The Who
Based on a1973 rock opera by Pete Townshend.
Best Set Design /
Decoration
Apocalypto
2006
by Carlos Benassini
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
1968
by Harry Pottle
Star Wars
1977
by Roger Christian
The Wizard of Oz
1939
by Edwin B. Willis
Best Non-Verbal Films
Baraka
1992
Ron Fricke
Shot at 152 locations in 24 countries.
Powaqqatsi
1988
Godfrey Reggio
An exploration of technologically developing nations
and the effect the transition to Western-style modernization has had on
them.
Japanese. Lots of stop-motion heaps of metal parts morphing into
people. Subtitles didn't help.
Most Disgusting
Movies (NOT
recommended.)
Pink Flamingoes
1972
John Waters
Divine aimed low, and never missed
her target.
Female Trouble (1974) is my personal favorite...."Hello, this
is Dawn Davenport...Dawn Davenport! You made love to me Christmas
morning. I'm pregnant and I want money!"
Salò: 120 Days of Sodom
1975
Pier Paolo Pasolini
I haven't seen it. I've only read the reviews. Are
movies like this necessary?
Movies NOT for first dates (NOT
recommended.)
Last House on the Left
(1972),
I Spit on your Grave(1978),
8MM(1999), Irreversible(2002)
Movies I showed as projectionist
in theaters (which
are on my Favorites List today)
The Atomic Cafe(1982),
The Elephant Man(1980),
Frances (1982),
Gallipoli(1981),
The Last Wave(1977), Midnight Express(1978),
Quadrophenia(1979), Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981),
Reds (1981), The Road Warrior (1981)
Movies I saw at international
film festivals (which
are on my Favorites List today)
Baraka(1993),
Cinema Paradiso(1988),
El Mariachi(1992),
Jean de Florette(1986),
The Killer(1989),
Manon of the Spring(1986),
Roger and Me(1989),
Sister my Sister(1994)
Movies which feature my
surname (Bauer)
The Blue Max
1966
A WWI fighter pilot named "Bauer" is featured on the
German squadron's tally board.
Dances with Wolves
1989
Sgt. Bauer (portrayed by Larry Joshua) beats Lt. John
Dunbar (Kevin Costner) while transporting him to his execution
at Fort Sedgwick. (I was born in Sedgwick County, Kansas.)
Driving Miss Daisy
1989
Miss Daisy (portrayed by Jessica Tandy) instructs
chauffer Hoke (Morgan Freeman) to locate a gravestone which reads
"Bauer."
Splash
1984
Tom Hanks and John Candy portray brothers Allen and
Freddie Bauer.
Best Movies
Baraka
1993
Ron Fricke
Pure celluloid poetry. God, I envy whoever got to shoot
this film.
The
Elephant Man
1980
David Lynch
Who would have expected a film this beautiful from the
same director as Eraserhead?
The Killing Fields
1984
Roland Joffé
Why is genocide still happening in the world after
masterpiece movies like this?
Midnight Express
1978
Alan Parker
Loosely based on a true story
The Piano
1993
Jane Campion
OK, you found it... my #1 greatest film of all time.
Jane Campion, you nailed it!
Quadrophenia
1979
Frank Roddam
I saw the trailer for this at a Who concert in 1979.
The ultimate teen angst film. Very classy.
Snow
Falling on Cedars
1999
Scott Hicks
Every aspect of this film came together magically.
Sophie's Choice
1982
Alan J. Pakula
I sat there, stunned, for several minutes after
watching this on a
13" black & white TV in college.
Worst Movies
I gotta be fuming mad after
seeing it, or have walked out part-way through, for a movie to make this
list. It must:
(1) be magnificently pretentious,
(2) have no artistic value, and
(3) thoroughly insult the average person's intelligence.
(For example, John Waters' early films
wouldn't qualify, because they don't aim high.)
Here are the
stinkers...
(Obviously, these are
NOT recommended.)
After Hours
1985
Martin Scorsese
Nothing in this film is remotely funny. The dialog is contrived. The
plotline is ridiculous. Example, what red-blooded male would pick a
fight with Rosanna Arquette, in bed, over a paper maché bagel
paperweight, then storm out? Give me a break. Scorsese needs to stay out
of comedy.
Batteries not Included
1987
Steven Spielberg
Soppy.
Cloying. Annoying. Not remotely funny. Really,
really bad. Steven Spielberg, what were you thinking? Recommend you pull
this from video store shelves and hope the world forgets about it. I boycotted
"AI: Artificial Intelligence," partially fearing another stinker
like this movie.
Barcelona
1994
Whit Stillman
The only thing more obnoxious than young,
rich, pretentious Americans overseas, are movies about young, rich, pretentious
Americans overseas. Please, please don't get suckered into renting this
video. I have avoided seeing The Last Days of Disco by this same
director, Fool me once, shame on you...
Before Sunrise
1995
Richard Linklater
This is a painful 101 minutes to sit through. The script is full of
contrived dialog and lofty, philosophical mutual masturbation. There
were continuity problems (e.g. actors positioned differently in
follow-on scenes from different angles). It was unrealistic. (How long
had the American been taking trains around Europe without knowing 21:30
means 9:30pm?) Scruffy Ethan Hawke could have doubled for Shaggy on
Scooby Doo. If he was serious about this chick, he would have followed
her back to Paris. Been there, done that, bought the postcard...
The Black Dahlia
2006
Brian de Palma
I was hoping for a story told from Elizabeth Short's perspective.
Instead, this film was all over the place with extraneous characters and
events, like boxing matches. It rambled on with bad acting, fight scenes
downright fake, etc. A rubbish film. I switched it off after 30 or 45
minutes of going nowhere. Don't waste your time.
Casino Royale
2006
Martin Campbell
Bond movies keep getting worse. This is the worst yet. Boring storyline.
Dull characters. Serious credibility problems. I gave up on this movie
when Bond was administering self-defibrillation. I know we're expected
to check any critical thinking capacity at the theater door for any Bond
film. But please.
Cocktail
1988
Roger Donaldson
I
have not subjected myself to this movie, based upon the horrible comments
of others. After Risky Business, Top Gun, and
Rain Man, Tom Cruise's audiences might expect him to pick
his scripts a little better. How
bad could a movie be? I'll take their word for it.
The Edge
1997
Lee Tamahori
One question... How is it that that fine actors like Anthony Hopkins
and Alec Baldwin, a screenplay written by the magnificent David Mamet
(of Glengarry Glen Ross fame), a spectacular Alaskan cinematographic
backdrop, and delicious eye-candy like Elle McPherson combine to
result in rubbish like this? I guess someone forgot to ask how
exciting it would be to watch a bear chase people around for 117
minutes. Not very.
Flirting
1991
John Duigan
One question... How did Nicole Kidman's and Noah Taylor's fledgling careers
survive this piece of crap film? Like French films, Australians either
soar to glorious heights, or fail miserably. Two other films I saw
by this director, Wide Sargasso Sea (1993) and Sirens
(1994) also were boring as hell.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
1984
Steven Spielberg
Leave it to Lucas and Spielberg to thoroughly screw up a perfectly good original (Raiders of the Lost Ark) with this piece of celluloid rubbish. Like Jar-Jar Binks in the
Star Wars prequels, these otherwise accomplished filmmakers take a reductionist approach to pitch adventure to 4-year-olds. Thanks guys, for insulting everyone else's intelligence, and wasting 2 hours of your audiences' time.
Thankfully, I never saw Kate Capshaw in another film.
Interview with the Vampire
1994
Neil Jordan
I can see the pitch for this movie... Let's mix
4 attractive and successful actors (Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Christian
Slater, and Antonio Banderas) with Kirsten Dunst and a successful novel.
Something went terribly wrong, maybe screenplay or direction. I pulled
the plug on it part-way through. Horror? More like horrible! I nearly wretched when I saw Oprah plugging this awful
film alongside Tom Cruise on her show.
IQ
1994
Fred Scepisi
Maybe
I reconsider my affinity for Australian directors. Fred Scepisi, were
you trying to insult audiences' intelligence with this movie, or did you
accomplish it by accident? You can see Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins seething
under the painful script. Calling this romantic comedy is highly
disingenuous.
Rosalee goes Shopping
1989
Percy Adlon
A morbidly obese woman buying stuff on credit for 94
minutes is not funny. It's just not.
Speaking Parts
1989
Atom Egoyan
What a load of rubbish! I saw this at an international
film festival. Canada must hand out film financing like candy.
Last House on the
Left
1972
Wes Craven
Give any high school kid a video camera, and they could
shoot a film like this. Cheesy. Gratuitous sexual violence. Not
scary at all.
Shattered
1991
Wolfgang Petersen
Wolfgang
Petersen directed
this rubbish. Sexy Greta Scacchi doth not a movie make. The ill-defining
moment for me was splicing crashing ocean waves into the lovemaking scene,
to the soundtrack of Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin." What
a loser! Shattered? Emphasis on the "Shat."
Shortbus
2006
John Cameron Mitchell
Without doubt, the worst garbage ever to be committed to celluloid. If
you're looking for porn, do yourself a favor and rent legitimate porn,
not some sick %$#@ parading as art. I won't go into detail. (Kids may be
reading this.) It's just disgusting by any measure. Reviewers believing
this is cinematic genius are seriously delusional. What pervert wants to
see a close-up of some guy peeing in the bathtub? This is perversion
without any discernable countervailing value.
Simone
2002
Andrew Niccol
Al Pacino (and Robert Deniro) should both stay out of comedy. It's
painful to watch an accomplished actor crushed under the weight of a
lousy script. A beautiful but rebellious computer-generated
actress? Who exactly thought that could be funny?
The Sixth Sense
1999
M. Night Shyamalan
Six Oscar nominations,
including one for the irritating Haley Joel Osment... You must be
joking!. What, was this film trying to mimic The Exorcist or
The Shining? It bills itself as "The Greatest Thriller of All
Time." Talk about hype... Don't you believe it! (I avoided Signs
by the same director.)
The Talented Mr. Ripley
1999
Anthony Minghella
See Barcelona
comment above. Thoroughly unlikable characters. Matt Damon, what happened
to you? Oh how the mighty have fallen. That surprise homoerotic ending really
rubbed salt into the audience's wounds, too. Jeesh. Gwyneth Paltrow, grab
your cigarettes and go home.
Tron
1982
Steve Lisberger
I
never knew how god-awful boring
a movie could be. Thank you, thank you, thank you... for thoroughly wasting
96 minutes of my life. Special effects doth not a movie make. Bad in 1982,
and even worse today. Phooey.
The Upside of Anger
2005
Mike Binder
Absolute rubbish. This movie wasted an hour of my time before I stopped.
There is nothing remotely funny about an alcoholic woman flipping off
the father of neighborhood kids playing, in response to him motioning to
slow her driving down. There was nothing likeable about these
characters, any of them. There was no discernable plot. Why does Costner
sign up for junk like this? This film is why I avoid romantic comedies.
Whale Rider
2003
Niki Caro
This is what happens when a national government subsidizes their
indigenous film industry. Thoroughly unlikable characters. Bad acting.
Banal plot and script. This is not, repeat NOT, some lighthearted kids'
movie. This is one seriously dysfunctional family, and the mistreatment
appears to permeate the whole culture. If "a people" treat their kids
this poorly, don't expect one of them to "lead them back to greatness."
Serious disappointment. I rode an hour of this blubber before harpooning
it.
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